Family Theories and Rules

 

A theory an attempt to explain a phenomenon/ observation. They help us to predict future proceedings. There are four family theories I would like to talk about, and those theories are not only applicable in a family but also in the relationships we are in. Whether it be a friendship, or you could be dating or business you name it, all these theories apply in these relationships.

1. Exchange theory – When we are interacting with people there is this theory that if I give something to you, or do you a favor you owe me one, we expect a return on investment we put in you. It can be time, energy, or money. As human beings our feelings can get hurt, if we do not benefit anything in someone, we tend to ask themselves is it worth it? If not, we stop that relationship or do not put much focus in it.

2. Conflict theory- This theory has to do with some sort of competition/ constant conflict on resources available. Some people are more influential than others hence more likely to influence people to do what they want to do. They are constantly getting what they want and pressing others down. There can be conflict in which type of movie to watch, which restaurant to go to.

3. Symbolic Interaction – Everything we do is not just practical but symbolic. Sometimes we misread these symbols from people we interact with. In relationships with different cultures like mine, the way someone sends Facebook or WhatsApp message or the way they look at you sends a certain type of message across, and we can misread that. Hand or facial gestures can be interpreted differently too. Those gestures and interpreting the meaning behind them can give rise to communication problems if we understand them differently. Through those symbolic interactions we start making decisions and assuming stuff, trying to make sense out of someone’s behavior. Whereas it is better understanding each other’s behavior and symbolic interactions to know if they have the same meaning as yours or not.

4. Family systems theory (general ecological)- This is more of a model than a theory. Changing one piece makes changes in every other piece because there is an interdependence between those pieces. When mom is not happy in the home (that’s a change in one piece of the family) no one is happy (resulting in a change in every piece). When a baby is born into the family the whole structure of the family changes. Other children get jealous, others must assume responsibilities, and find a hard time adjusting. There are subsystems in this family theory. There is a parent subsystem and a child subsystem. Some things are said in a subsystem that no one will ever know in the other subsystem. For example, parents can discuss about finance and about their marital relationship, and the child subsystem does not need to know about those.

Everything is connected, a small change can influence a big change and vice versa. These family theories are not only influential to our nuclear family but tend to influence three or four generations after. Every family has its rules. Rules about how people are to be treated how you are to interact. These rules are unspoken. We find out what the rules are by breaking them and getting negative feedback (shuts it down). For example, as a child I was taught never to accept a gift from strangers especially when the parents are not present. When we get positive feedback, we will want to do what we did again and again. The same things apply to social queues, when we do something and people appreciate it or applaud it, we do it again, but when they laugh at us, we know that we probably should not try that ever.

Once we know these family/relationship theories we are aware hence we can make choices. For example, now that I am aware of these theories, I will seek to understand my wife more in her symbolic interactions than just assume those symbols mean what I think they mean and that’s it. What if I am misreading that?

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