Communication
Communication is a lot more difficult than people think. This week I will discuss how and why it's different and then put emphasis on what we can do to improve our communications in marriage.
In marriage, we are going to influence each other. Some of us are not ready to be influenced by our spouses, yet we want to influence the other. When we struggle to communicate, we are not trying hard to do so. It takes some real effort. People think that when they get married, they become masters of communication. That is not true because when something gets too easy for you, you tend to put less effort into it, and then when we do not put effort our communication skills drop. When you want to communicate with someone, you have some belief that whatever we say, convey a thought or feeling to a human being we assume that it is as clear as day, and they understand it.
Problems of communication
We are often encoding messages though we are not thinking that the second person must decode it or else it is of no value. Ways of encoding our message are body language, tone, words we use, texting, and phone calls. When there is a conflict between those, we go more with non-verbal communication than verbal. 14% words, tone 35%, 51% body language, that’s the percentage we trust when we receive a message. Why is that? The truth might be that we are becoming less honest with our words but it's hard to do that with non-verbal communication.
People nowadays communicate far fewer words in any communication medium than ever before. Once again when something becomes easier, we put less effort into it. We try so much to avoid any kind of risk to put ourselves in that situation. We are missing out on deep communication. We are afraid of negative feedback, and we misunderstand each other's feedback.
To improve our communication, we want to use the means that give us the most. The more face-to-face communication you have you are likely to be understood and likely to understand someone. Sarcasm can create problematic situations. We are sending messages in competing directions. Words said are different from the tone and non-verbal language.
There are 5 secrets of effective communication by David Burns I would like to share that decrease likelihood of being misunderstood or misunderstanding someone
1. Disarming technique - find the "kernel of truth" in what someone is saying even what they saying sounds unreasonable. When somebody offends us we tend to defend(attack them or withdraw from them).
Disarm them by disarming ourselves first. Don't be defensive but acknowledge. It is not a technique to change how they think and feel it is also a technique to change how you think and feel. Helps you to validate that person's feelings and when you do not, they feel frustrated.
2. Express.
1. Express Thought Empathy - repeat back what they told us.
2. Express feeling empathy - put emotion labels on it. Saying I feel that you do not like this is not an emotion. Instead say something like I imagine that you are sad, frustrated, hurt, etc.
3. Inquiry - ask am I getting it right? Do not expect that you will always get their feelings right. Sometimes you will not but you will get a chance for the other person to explain further what they felt. That gives you more information on how they might be feeling. Sometimes what they said in the first place might not be exactly what they are trying to convey, a second stab at that will help them reorganize their thoughts and convey their message much better.
4. Sending " I feel" statements.
Use this method When... talk about the event.
I feel…express emotion...
Because... explain what you thought...
I would like… send a request.
5. Stroking. Telling somebody something that you authentically admire about them. It should not be a lie but something that is true and positive.
In hope as I expressed my thoughts about communication will help us be better at communication especially in our homes.
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